R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
