only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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