my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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