It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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