Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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