i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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