Im at strip club and am horny
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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