I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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