my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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