i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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