i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
