The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
this will be a night to untag.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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