Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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