we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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