he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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