bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
