if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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