Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
