I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
