You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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