Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
