I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
