The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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