the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
