I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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