my vag is so smooth its legendary
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
