do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
