ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
