I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
