i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drunk is not a location!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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