I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
