I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
