Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
