Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
