I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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