On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
