I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
