Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I will pee on everything he values.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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