I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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