Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
