YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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