I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Pants are for mortals
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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