awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize