I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
