rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
