either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
