I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
