I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
