Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
