My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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