I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
