it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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