You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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