I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
