he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
