Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
